Dec 24th …

I felt so many emotion today and it got really overwhelming

At one point, I started wheezing and I hope for second that I would stop breathing

I hate these dam breaks and the emotions are seeping through.

Feeling lonely, exhausted and needing someone love right now

Feeling like a angry mom and a bad one, I got angry and I wasn’t even mad at them but gosh I slammed it on him.

I know I am going to need professional help and may need it sooner than later

I’m home now…feeling better than this morning but still sad

Will I ever be enough?!

2023 has been a year of ups and down.

I was in a relationship with someone I don’t think I truly loved. Someone who didn’t know how to love and support me. And even though I knew this, I continued with the relationship out of fear of being alone and not wanted.

I don’t recommend this. He deserved better than falling for someone who was incapable loving him the way he truly deserved to.

I am sorry DB. I am sorry I wasted your time and I’m sorry that we didn’t work out. I’m sorry I broke your heart.

The darkness took me over a lot. Contemplated suicide a few times but too much of a coward to go through with it. I have convinced myself that this world would be a better place without me.

But I need to fight the urge, I have kids to live for …

I need to start therapy again tho … heading into depression season

I did an exposure and it has been amazing and I am loving. Met old ally who became friend and met new friends along the way.

Learning so much and it has helped me to finally figure out what I want to do in my life.

I met a friend. Special kind. Unexpectedly liking her alot. Yes, her! She is so full of life, and so much to offer this world and yet she is the strongest person I know because she has been through hell and currently relives it periodically.

She made me pray for the first time in a very long time.

Had me questioning God again, asking why? Because none of this makes sense.

But what I can’t get or understand is why can’t I find someone that genuinely loves me, wants just me and why do I feel as if I’m never gonna be enough for anyone.

Destined to die alone …

Christmas Day

What is suppose to be a happy day spent with family and friends. I am left here feeling empty, hurt and depressed.

My mother’s comment: “At least someone is playing with her because you don’t”

That just killed me inside. So much for progress to set me right back to where i spents weeks digging myself out of.

I dont know how to deal with this. I dont know how to ignore the snark comments and not let it affect me.

I cant escape it either because i have to live here

I pray and hope I survive the rest of the year and find a permanent solution to my growing triggers.

Happy Holidays!

August 8, 2022 – I don’t want to Lose Control

I have recently been feeling like I am living for me and I am hating this feeling. When did I become the type of person who bows to others’ demands, lives for others’ happiness at my expense, and does not want to hurt their feelings? To the point where I am feeling as if I am losing control of my life.

Why am I holding on? Why won’t I let go? I don’t talk or speak my mind. I am ashamed of this person I am because of him. All I do is allow him to do as he pleases, when he does want to see me, I find excuses. What do I want with him? Are we fixable? Have I given up on us? He says he sees a future with me but his actions say otherwise. It feels like we don’t know how to get back to each other and I don’t think it is fair to continue like this.

I can’t remember the last time we told each other we love each other. Is the fear of starting over so strong that I am willing to continue being blind to his behavior?

Am I so emotionally damaged that my self-confidence is nonexistent? Afraid to take chances whether good or bad?

The worse part, I miss him so damn much! I miss his kisses, his cuddles, our long chats, watching movies, and animes while drinking or eating. I miss you being the person I would always want to talk to. Ist person, I call when I have something to share or talk about. I miss my best friend… Our impromptu date nights. Our walks, mini vacations and all… I miss that feeling of being 100% sure you were the one that I will have a future with. The one I could imagine my future with no matter what. Now I all see and wonder if we will even be friends in the future.

November 28 2021

It is getting worse and now I am not sure what is causing the trigger. I feel very sad and feel like crying alot. Listening to music while I write this to avoid talking to ppl and I am not sure how long that will work.

I feel unhappy and I hate this feeling like I am sinking into a dark hole and this time I am not sure if i can dig myself out. I refuse to talk to anyone about it because they will only try to fix apart of the problem I refuse to confront because i believe its bigger than everything else.

I feel alienated at home. I am annoyed by everything and everyone. I need my freedom and space and I dont have that. I love my kids but right now I wish they werent around.

I dont want that responsibility to be someone’s mother for awhile. I want the freedom of coming and going as I please. Go on road trips, visit places, create memories on my own. I want to be my own person but I dont know how to that with kids.

I want to jump in a car and just drive. Be free. Be loved. Be someone’s world ad sharing it with them. I want unconditional love.

I know … Why don’t I do that for myself. Be my own happiness. That is the part people dont understand, I want to share my happiness and memories with someone. I dont want to be alone. I want someone to be just as excited as i am about life and have adventures.

Maybe then, once I have that fulifilledness, i can learn to be someone’s mother. Because I feel as if I am doing a shitty job. I genuinely believe my daughter hates me and I am not sure what to do about that. Raising kids should never be one persons job, there needs to be some balance. But how can I do that when i doubt myself and keep telling myself that he would have been a better parent that i was and he would have been her favorite. I need to fix it bit I don’t know how, I need to fix me so i can be a better mom right?

The distance between me and my partner is getting worse. And it scaring me and I wonder if we can survive this. Today I realized that we don’t communicate as much anymore and I can go as far and say that I don’t know him as much I did before.

I woke up so damn mad at him this morning. Because he went out and didn’t tell me. He didn’t message me either even though he promised. Why does that hurt so much?

I don’t want him to think its okay to go a day and not check in. I miss talking in the morning and at nights. I understand things change but some things shouldn’t for the worse. He is suppose to be my love, my friend and these days I am starting to feel like just another girl.

Am I overreacting? Too emotional? Expecting too much? I don’t want to believe that because I deserve to be happy and I want that with him. No one else. I want adventures, memories, moments no matter how small and insignificant you think they are.

Covid has definitely been a difficult situation that has taking its toll on our relationship a lot. So much has changed and I hate it. It has affected me mentally and I am not afraid to say that I am suffering from deep depression and have no clue how to manage it anymore.

I guess i this point it is a matter of getting help and consider taking meds right? Opening up more! This should be so fucking fun!

What about Terry? How much will be too much? At what point, do I say no more? Does he still love me? Better yet, is he still in love with me? Does he want us to work? because God knows I do. I don’t want to give up! It has been a tough year and I want us to rise above it.

Music and writing helps. Maybe the painkiller is helping as well, lol. Thanks for listening, NAS. I will do better! I will RISE AGAIN! I promise.

NOVEMBER 14, 2021

Today started out as any normal day. Woke up and went to work. Had great convos with my friend.

But the next thing I knew, we were talking about my relationship and now I am depressed. I am not sure if I am angry at them or angry at myself.

I love my boyfriend, more than anyone can imagine. However, I hate the situation that we are in right now. he has been living with his baby mother since the latter part of March due to COVID and her getting a new job and taking care of his daughter. I knew this was a bad idea but he promised me it would be only a few weeks. It now has been 9 months and it is fucking up our lives.

He spends the entire week there and the first arrangement was weekends at his house. Next thing I knew, it was excuses and I moved from feeling like the most important person in his life to some bitch e occasionally fucks.

We were good when I was around him at first, but now even when he is there, I feel the distance.

I am hurting everyday and I dont think he notices this. I told him part of what I feel and i am not sure how he is going to fix us. He is living at her house and his friend is living at his house during the week. However, I would prefer he stays at his house and sleeps in the coach than stay at her house.

I am no fool. There is something happening between both of them but I ain’t seeing it but I am scared that he might leave me for her. Then I cant blame anyone but myself because I agreed to this in the first place.

I love him and I am scared of starting over. Giving someone else the chance to fool me and me loving them. I think he loves me and if things were different and he wasnt staying with her, then maybe I wouldn’t be feeling this way.

Then there is that part of me that just thinks our situation is messed up. I mean its his daughter and things are set away. I believe he is doing the best he can and unfortunately, I am the one getting the shitty end of the stick.

So what do I do in a situation like this because I am losing my mind!

He was my safe haven and now he is a part of the pain i feel daily.

How much is too much for one person

I feel like I am living in a hell loop and honestly dying feels so much better than living right now.

I have no one to talk to, no one who understands how I am feeling. No one who thinks i’m worth being a priority in their lives. I am no fool. Most guys see me as a sex object and nothing more. Use me until they are tired. No one takes the time to really see the real me and it hurts like crazy. I am not worth getting to know! I am not worth anything to someone.

Even my daughter hates me. No fucking shock there. I am not okay. I am Not fine.

Please someone just take me out of this miserable life. Kill me. Run a damn car over me. Poison me. anything to stop feeling like this.

June 1, 2019

I thought about you. Reminded myself that I deserve to be loved. I also realized that I have been using sex to keep me afloat in this darkness.

I started a relationship with someone because i thought i was ready. But I am no where ready to let you go. I seems to keep him around to fill this loneliness i feel. But he’s not even there. Until i started cheating. Had an affair with someone who makes me feel alive.

But that’s still not enough because no one really wants to know me. Know my imperfections, my mood swings, my joys, my sadness. I don’t want to settle, i don’t want to be someone’s option.

I only want to be loved, be happy, have someone to share my days and nights with. Someone I can genuinely love.

These days it seems as if this is just wishful thinking. I am always sad and miserable and moody.

May 25, 2019

Today is a mood swing between sad and cheerful. I feel myself trying to not slip away from reality. My best friend (B.) left today and i genuinely cried. Tears came. I felt as if i was losing apart of me and it hurt like crazy. I mean I know its for a short while but still he was apart of my small support system and he’s now so far away.

I think I am just going through a lot this month. Thinking about Mardo, celebrating my sweet baby girl birthday and come tomorrow, I have relive the memories of putting the love of my life, my soulmate and baby girl daddy into his grave. I dread this time of the year.

My mind keeps wondering to that dreadful night. I feel myself drowning wanting to stay afloat in the seas of emotions I feel. I know that I need to embrace them but I honestly do not know how to. Each time I try, seems as if I am reliving the same day over, feeling the same pain, anger, worthless and helpless felling all over again.

I am not strong enough to do this. I was already using my reserve strength for the past 3 years and now this, i have nothing left. I started therapy but i am not sure i can open up. Each time I try to open up about the situations in my life, I feel like i am suffocating.

I miss Mardo so much. I miss uncensored remarks, being truthful and just always being around when i need him. I miss how much he annoyed me and his little quirks that got to me. Now I wish i didn’t complain as much now.

My fondest memory of him was early on in our relationship when I was going through hell with my previous relationship. I was at a very low place and feeling the worst about myself. He stayed online with me all night and listened, cussed and tried to share me up. When he thought that it wasn’t enough, he left Hopewell at 2 am, to my house on this bust up riverbed we called a road just to see me and ensure I was okay. Believe me that night, I fell in love with him. because here was a guy who genuinely cared and loved me. Someone who stayed and listened and dried my tears. ensured I was okay. I never until this day doubted his love for me.

When he dedicated that song to me in training, each day that passed in the 5+ years we were together, that song became a personal vow to me from him and it was a reminder of his love. His promises to me and the rest of our lives.

During sessions, I have always been asked, what would I say to him if he was here and I would always end my sessions there. why? I didn’t know what I wanted to say or how to say it.

As I said … I shut down!!!

The Journey Begins

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton